Have You A Fulfillment?

LOOK ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE!!

What? Why? Do I always have to?

I have just seen the video on YouTube after being reminded by my Managerial Accounting lecturer. It was our last class for the semester and he showed us a little of what he thought might give us a little spoonful of thought on what life is actually like. A video on quotes and a random addition to that - a video that had Nick Vujicic starred in. Nick is a motivational speaker. He hasn't any limbs but he sure is giving adequate emotional and spiritual support to the listener but only for a thin period of time. Let's look on the bright side shall we? Well, the the motivation will at least be elicited wouldn't it?

And as for the YouTube video, it was 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch. Some say his lecture was motivational, well to bring down the fact, many. What was that lecture about meaningfully? His lecture was perceived and people were deceived to compromise that it was inspirational. It sure was. He dreamed of a list of things that he thought he could not achieve in real life, but where exactly is the struggle? Perhaps, him going through chemotherapy. And for that, the others were to give him a little more credit. You might think, "who is she to discredit this dying man". Randy might not have been the most motivational person, not even close to one. He is simply a man who has unfortunately been blown with cancer. It sure is a nasty one. All he's doing is just, looking at the bright side of things. Are you sure? He have not known of his cancer before 2006. And before, he wanted to give a lecture of what he calls, "The Last Lecture".

Does it really make any sense at all? I think, it was taken all too lightly. The subject was not much in depth enough to be motivational or inspirational. I could not feel anything except that it was just another ordinary boring lecture. I have been to a few motivational talks myself and I had ones that moved me a lot emotionally. To get others motivated, one needs to be motivated himself.

There is no such thing as totally being unafraid of death. There will come a time, maybe a few moments that one would think of what it is and how it is in the after life and of how things will go on without that one being an entity or an existence in the world anymore, be it virtual or in reality itself. One will realize and then repent. One would not stop repenting until the time one surges one's will again and continue living up to the expectations of what one will do before death. Thinking that, "Hey this is the last few moments I am having with the ones I love. What am I doing right now?" And so one does whatever one could do make the best of one's life.

Some would travel all around the world. Others follow their undesired dream of climbing the utmost highest peak they could possibly reach. Kilimanjaro? Mount Fuji? Of course, the adventurous hearts internally would pick a more challenging range of course - to step into the ring of fire and not literally, but as well to satisfy this raging want to fulfill a greater need before leaving.

What's your fulfillment?

Beginnings and Ends

Can new things begin with an end? Can endings begin with a new beginning? You'll definitely ask how can this all be? The questions don't make sense at all. They're rediculous. Well...

Returning from a long stroll at Orchard, one of the busiest streets in town, I think people aren't what they really seem to be. We are meant to have not only one face, not two but more than that. We are defined not in our own ways. We don't define ourselves as who we are. Others keep telling me, 'be who you are' or 'be yourself'. But exactly how is myself? Others influence the way we are now. When they influence us, we adopt their opinion and definition. And that definition is definitely not fixed. It will vary from the various different people everyone come across.

When others give an opinion about us or on us, it is probably them who are making us ourselves. Let's say a guy named George with his two best homies - Carl and Slik. Carl and Slik were having a conversation or two over hot chocolate during a cold winter morning.

Carl: George was a little too generous in donating that much sum of money to the Children's Welfare Society.
Slik: Yea, he's probably doing a hell lot of a good deed right there. God bless him to the heavens.
Carl: I heard of sickly rumours of him imitating Mr. Hood. Won't that be too pesimistic of them to say such a threatening comment?

You see how Carl describes George as a generous person while the others thinks that George is trying to make himself seem like Robin Hood and therefore, are being called pesimistic people. See how two different sides or aspects of human beings in real life think of people. They are the ones defining George. He can never define himself. He's been infuenced too much on many things that he has gone through his life.

Carl approaches George, "You're a nice guy man, but that car... err.. doesn't suit you." That's when the level of definition climbs further in depth. But I am not going to go in that.

You have been better! Better because you've learnt from all the mistakes you did in your life? Well, I guess that's what a majority of the human population with sane minds think. Mistakes are just a form of correction of who you are. It makes you realize that that mistake is done by yourself or the person himself. That mistake is brought up from within. Say for example a CEO making the worst decision of his life, pulling out from a profitable strategy to promote its long lasting trusted brand and now due to the lack of funds or sponsorship, racing has come face to face with more loans to cover and the desperate needs for sponshorship.

Mistakes are what I think define people. We learn from it yes and then we move on to another stage of learning and making mistakes again and again. So when you hear one break down saying, 'Oh I can't do anything about it. I've made this mistake. It's all me.' Don't deny what he has said, because he's probably right. He can do better than just that mistake yes, but YOU are the one defining him for that. And when you do, it comes with a package of benefits which includes motivation. In the end, what we are are what others define us of. There isn't any such thing as we defining ourselves.

So back to the question, can new things begin with an end? New people having opinions about one can lead to one not having an opinion of oneself as it ends.

Can endings begin with a new beginning? I guess I have already answered what seems to be exactly it.

Fantasy

Do dreams appear relatively and known to reach a term of fantasy? What about spiritualism? Or simple twitches of the mind playing games on us?

Fantasy to me, is all about the world of imagination. We are born into this world of fantasy. We have been taught sacks of apprehension and knowldege has always been pouring into us like running water out of the tap. Do these things have a flow up above in our heads and has it been conquering without realization? I think so.

Each individual has been influenced in certain contrivance during different stages of growth. A simple example could be the article I read in the Sunday Times yesterday. The title read, "They died 'so as to save the world'".

Just an aperçu, a few teenage boys gathers every Friday at their 'leader's' ninth-story flat. There, in a living room where an altar filled with idols stood, the self-professed teenage medium would go into trance. He belived he could communicate with the "God of heaven and hell" and that the trances allowed the God to possess him and allow him to do good. He told is friends that they had to die in order to become slayers to kill demons and save the world. World War III is coming, he said. The boy and his closest friend squatted on the window ledge, hesistated for a while, counted to three, held hands and jumped. The boy died on the spot while his friend, 2 hours later upon arriving at the hospital.

Taken from Sunday Times, Semptember 13, 2009

What really went on in their minds, nobody knows, only God Himself. These boys have been playing computer games like every other teenage boys for a few years until it has brought the conscious mind to knees. The child, only 16 and his friends of 13. 14 and 15, were easily decieved by this believe.

A slayer is a person who kills. A person who does violence. The word violence has its meaning, siding the dark side. One that would involve murder, slaughter, bloodshed, annihilation and much felony. Slayers are not meant to exist in the real world. They stay as characters, impersonations, as villains.

The mind is so powerful, it can bring people to feel things and end up apperceiving the wrong emotions. Things that do not exists or have never existed, will come to be extant. This innervation starts growing in them, like a believe. It starts small. It gathers more information to attain credibility and thereafter, situates itself as an existance. Once it has taken its bite, they is no turning back. If so, a fervent of will is greatly needed. That, definitely, is not going to come easy.

Everyone has dreams. Dreams make people feel certain ways. Ways that sometimes are unexplainable. Ways that are incomprehensible. Words such as anxiety, elated, depressed or even pissed, these are just human ways of describing and it satisfy them thinking that that is it! But think again, there is definitely a baffling mixture of feelings that people emote. Words can only say so much, but the soul has been lifted to being allowed to provide the solid evidence of the feeling. It is strangely an entangled piece of work I think nobody can decode.

Now think about words, and not only feelings. Words that come spilling right out of your mouth. It is exactly the same thing as what I have mentioned in the previous paragraph. Words can only mean to an extent that confides what it exactly signifies. It so seems like everyone is telling a lie. Best yet, nobody is telling a single truth. Not even me, writing this right now. Because what exist is beyond words. What you hold, what you touch, what you taste, what you hear, what you smell, these can NEVER ben described by words. Words are just a form of confinement to how about this world that we're living in can rotate.

De facto, we can simply accomplish much more, we can consummate things off the beaten path. But no! Since words exists, so does our actions. We are saving ourself from things we would never want to befall. We would never want to light a candle of which could ruin the semblance. I just know there is something bigger and much more intricate and profound then there can ever be out there. It is just so, we do not have anything besides what is subsisting.

Does it mean this is not reality? Well, I don't think I have the answer to that...

How are Human Beings?

How does the body work? How do limbs move? What are people thinking when they do such an action? Or are they actually thinking? Thinking in this case, is by using common sense and not theory.

The mental and physical capacity has its limits. What scientists can prove is also bounded by limits. It is definitely to a certain extent that things can be discovered. But what is the truth? As what a magician say, “I can never reveal my secret”. So is God a magician or is He of patience and curiosity. Him, whom lingers to see and foresee things happening as to His creations.

Just ruminating about my own actions, how is it possible that I can move my fingers across the keyboard right till the end when I hit ‘Enter’? Nerves? Or is it the mind and what is in my head telling the respective to move in a certain way or another? I think not.

The mental power is, of what I believe, of limits until one can discover something beyond the walls of definition. But until this very day, not a soul has come up with the idea of such a precise definition of though. A simplified definition, found on any dictionary, definitely cannot answer everything that revolves the conditional perspective. Not even the wisest man alive or died can give an exact answer not considering the fact that ‘nothing is perfect’. Nothing is perfect, period. No matter how powerful the human mind is or how it plays tricks on the individual. The mental power can never be distinctively defined.

What about our physical actions? Of course it is related to our mental strength. I am speaking of common sense. I really wonder the reasons of some actions done by people, by humans. The word ‘why’ has always been showing up in my head even if I knew the answer. Say for example, recently, the American economy shed 467, 000 jobs in June 2009, raising the unemployment rate to its highest level in 26 years at 9.5%. This is not the cause of anything else but of human beings, of people making choices that it should be like that. These are consequences of an action with an unknown initiator. Now appears this word in my question; ‘how’.

We go about shaking the world and in some regions, shattering lives into pieces. Who is the result of all this? Is He, God Almighty, the cause of all this? If He is, why is He only watching? Then I thought, He always has reasons and with reasons come actions and then comes consequences. Be it for the better or the worse. Some, being atheists, don’t bother about who are behind all these but simply and only pointing fingers at others, also human beings. Not knowing that four fingers are pointing back at them. There is nobody else to blame but us, we, and ourselves.

On the other hand, actions can be moved by emotions. Such are rage, anger, depression, alone, elated, greedy, etc. These feelings affect our mental mind and physical doings. I do not think that emotions can ever be classified under good and bad. People always associate happy to being angelic, anger to being devilish. Is it true? The answer ‘yes’ will pop up in your mind straight away but think about this simple proverb, ‘birds of the same feather flock together’.

Emotions are a dangerous form of existence. Emotions, they kill, they slap, they ignite, they hug, they sing, they kick, they torture, they tear, they cry, they isolate and mostly, they confuse. Every being should at least experience all emotions. Some say, emoting certain ones are just a waste. For example, sad. It relates to the action, to cry. Is it necessary? Yes it is necessary. It makes you feel better. Then comes the verb, to hug. It will be sure to ignite other emotions. All these are reactions to things. You can also say, although it is diverse, consequences to actions.

So back to the questions, “How does the body work? How do limbs move? What are people thinking when they do such an action? Or are they actually thinking?”. Theoretically, it is of what I thought above. But as a whole, I think these answers can never be answered. These answers will remain beyond its limits of definition.

Deep Emotions

I feel like crying. Every time I think about a romantic date. A fine dine 3 star restaurant situated in the heart of a countryside. Blocked by all views of the outside. Not looking anywhere else but of the figure right in front of you. Just him, just that. Only him are you to look at. The yellow lights put way down low. You see him in the glow. Him in his dark blue shirt with calmed coloured stripes. You just feel dazed staring at them. His pants up tight with a lose dark brown belt from Aldo. You in your savvy dress with a sash so tight your figure blew him off his seat. The hourglass couldn't even reach. The length of the bottom dress was 3 inches above the knee cap. Your legs are like two wooden poles that have just been smoothed out. It smells natural like lavender in potpourri. The neck line of your dress dropped halfway through your cleavage. The flowery embroidery pattern on your dress makes you smile and not regret the price you paid for it. It elicited the eyes on the one whom you're staring at right now. His creamy tie suited your eyes and reflected them like glass.

Seated, you both gaze ridiculously in love with each other. Nothing could be heard but the soft bossa nova instrumentals streaming in the room from the live band of four. A singer's voice who's vibrated vocals strummed the ears of both - the couple. Both of them have been fooled by their own thoughts. Cupid has done his job dearly. Who could never fall in love with cupid I wonder so much.

The night ended as soon as they were breathing hard, gasping for fresh air. I could never imagine what kind of sulking all of them were to visit in their minds and thoughts. The soul has never been too satisfied with anything more than what the night has brought them.

The Zeitgeist Movement

The Goal:

The Means is the End:

We intend to restore the fundamental necessities and environmental awareness of the species through the avocation of the most current understandings of who and what we truly are, coupled with how science, nature and technology (rather than religion, politics and money) hold the keys to our personal growth, not only as individual human beings, but as a civilization, both structurally and spiritually. The central insights of this awareness is the recognition of the Emergent and Symbiotic elements of natural law and how aligning with these understandings as the bedrock of our personal and social institutions, life on earth can and will flourish into a system which will continuously grow in a positive way, where negative social consequences, such as social stratification, war, biases, elitism and criminal activity will be constantly reduced and, idealistically, eventually become nonexistent within the spectrum of human behavior itself.
This possibility is, of course, very difficult for most humans to consider, for we have been conditioned by society to think that crime, corruption and dishonesty is "the way it is" and that there will always be people who want to abuse, hurt and take advantage of others. Religion is the largest promoter of this propaganda, for the "us and them" or "good and evil" mentality promotes this false assumption.
The reality is that we live in a society that produces Scarcity. The consequence of this scarcity is that human beings must behave in self preserving ways, even if it means they have to cheat and steal in order to get what they want. Our research has concluded that Scarcity is one of the most fundamental causes of aberrant human behavior, while also leading to complex forms of neurosis in other ways. A statistical look at drug addition, crime and incarceration statistics, finds that poverty and unhealthy social conditions comprise the life experience of those who engage in such behavior.
Human beings are not good or bad... they are running, forever changing compositions of the life experience(s) that influence them. The "quality" of a human being ( if there was such a thing ) is directly related to the upbringing and thus belief systems they have been conditioned into.
This simple reality has been grossly overlooked and today people primitively think that competition, greed and corruption are "hardwired" elements of human behavior and, in turn, we must have prisons, police and hence a hierarchy of differential control in order for society to deal with these "tendencies". This is totally illogical and false.

The bottom line is that in order to change things for the better fundamentally, you must begin to address root causes. Our current society's system of "punishment" is outmoded, inhumane, and unproductive. When a serial killer is caught, most people jump up and down and scream for the death of that person. This is backwards. A truly sane society, which understands what we are and how our value systems are created, would take the individual and learn the reasons behind his or her violent actions. This information would then go to a research department which considers how to stop such conditions from occurring through education.

It is time to stop the patchwork. It is time to begin a new social approach which is updated to present day knowledge. Sadly, society today is still largely based on outmoded, superstitious dispositions and resolutions.

It is also important to point out that there are no utopias or endings. All evidence points to perpetual change on all levels. In turn, it is our personal actions everyday of our lives that mold and perpetuate the social systems we have in place. Yet, paradoxically, it is also our environmental influences which create our perspectives and hence world views. Therefore, true change will come not only from adjusting your personal understandings and decisions, but equally from changing the social structures that influence these understandings and decisions.

The elite power systems are little affected in the long run by traditional protest and political movements. We must move beyond these 'establishment rebellions' and work with a tool much more powerful:
We will stop supporting the system, while constantly advocating knowledge, peace, unity and compassion. We cannot "fight the system". Hate, anger and the 'war' mentality are failed means for change, for they perpetuate the same tools the corrupt, established power systems use to maintain control to begin with.


The Distortion and Paralysis:

When we understand that all systems are Emergent and constantly in a state of evolution, along with the reality that we are all Symbiotically connected to nature and each other in the most simple yet profound ways, forcing the realization that our personal integrity is only as high as the integrity of the rest of society, we then see how twisted and backwards our social establishments are and how their perpetuation is largely the cause of the social instability in society. For example, the Monetary System has been long deemed a positive force in society due to its claim to produce incentive and progress. In actuality, the monetary system has become a vehicle for division and totalitarian control.
It is the ultimate form of "Divide and Conquer" for at its very core are the assumptions that (1) We must fight each other in order to survive. (2) Humans must have this reward "Incentive" to do anything meaningful.

As far as Number 1 (We must fight each other in order to survive.), this characteristic of 'competition' in the system guarantees corruption in society on every level, for the basis is "us against them". Many argue that the "free market system" is good... but it is corrupt in the modern day due to bad policies, favoritism, bailouts, etc. They assume that if a "pure" free market was allowed to flourish then it would be okay. This is false, for what you are seeing today IS the Freemarket at work, with all its differential advantage and corruption. No laws will ever stop the insider trading, collusion, monopoly, labor abuse, pollution, planned obsolescence or the like... this is what the competition based system produces without fail, for it is based on the premise of taking advantage of others for profit. Period.

We must begin to transition out of these oppressive ideals and move towards a system which is "designed" to support human beings... not force them to fight in order to survive. As far as Number 2, (Humans must have this reward "Incentive" to do anything meaningful.) this is just a sad and an incredibly negative perspective of the human being in general. To assume that a person must be "structurally motivated" or hence "forced" into doing anything, is just absurd. Think back to when you were a child and had no idea what money even was. You played, were curious and did many things... why? Because you wanted to. However, as time goes on in our system, that natural curiosity and self-motivation is stripped away from people, as they are forced to conform to the specialized, compartmentalized, nearly predefined labor system in order to survive. This, in turn, often creates a natural rebellion within the person due to the forced obligation, and this is how we came up with "leisure" and "work" separations. The laziness assumed to exist by the monetary system proponents (who claim it produces incentive) do not recognize this. In a true society, people would follow their natural inclinations and work to contribute to society not because they are "paid" for it, but because they have a greater awareness which recognizes that contributing to society helps them just as much as everyone else. This is the heightened state of awareness we hope to communicate. Your reward for contributing to society is the well being of that society... which, in turn, furthers your well being. Now, putting things into perspective, it is important to understand that our world is currently run, undeniably, by a small group of dominant men in high positions of those institutions which are most dominant in society- Business and Finance. The establishment of government is in tandem with the influence and power of corporations and banks. The life blood is money, which is, in fact, an illusion that now has little relevance to society and serves as a tool for manipulation and division along a kind of social organization that guarantees elitism, crime, war and social stratification.

Simultaneously, individuals are taught that being "correct" is what creates their value as human beings. This state of being "correct" is directly related to the prevailing values of society itself. Therefore, those who accept and support the social system's views are considered "normal", while those who disagree are considered "abnormal" or even "subversive". Whether it is the dogma of a unique social tradition, or the alignment with a worldwide establishment religion, the basis is the same: Intellectual Materialism.
As we realize that knowledge and hence our institutions are always evolving, we see that any belief system which claims to "know" anything, without allowing for dispute, is a failed perspective. Religion, with its foundation in faith, is the king of this distortion, as it claims to know something definitively about the most complex and elusive origins of human kind, and this simply is not possible in an emergent universe.
That being said, it is then realized that equally as dangerous as the Establishment Power Structures, are the people who have been conditioned to completely accept the static understandings put forth by these systems... therefore becoming: "Self Appointed Guardians of the Status Quo". This applies to every system, especially political, financial and religious systems. Since people's identities become associated with the doctrines of a Country, Religion or Business ethic, it often becomes very difficult for a person to change, for his or her identity has become combined with the ideologies which have been imposed upon them. Therefore, they perpetuate the doctrine of the institution, simply to maintain their personal integrity, as they see it.

We must break this cycle, for it paralyses our growth not only as individuals, but as a society.


The Truth and Transition:
Once we understand that the integrity of our personal existences are directly related to the integrity of the earth, life and all other human beings, we then have our path predefined for us. In turn, once we realize that it is science, technology and hence human creativity which creates progress in our lives, we are then able to recognize what our true priorities are for social and personal growth and progress. These points denoted, we can then see that Religion, Politics and the Money/Competition based Labor system are outdated modes of social operation, which must now be addressed and outgrown. Our avocation is to achieve a social system which operates without money or politics, while allowing superstition to work itself out as education flourishes. It isn't the right of any person to tell another what to believe, for no human has a full understanding of anything. However, if we pay attention to the natural processes of life, we then see how we can align with nature and thus our path becomes more clear.
For example, many people are worried about population growth on the planet, while very spooky comments by despotic figures like Henry Kissinger claim that some kind of "reduction" is needed. This is, of course, very scary. However, the real question remains: Is population growth really that bad? The answer is that from a scientific perspective the earth can handle many, many times more people if need be, once high technology is harnessed. 70% of our planet is water and cities in the sea ( one of many projects by Jacque Fresco ) are the next step. In turn, education about life operations will inform people as to the ramifications of their reproductive interests and population growth will naturally slow as people begin to realize how they are related to the planet and its carrying capacity.

In fact, the only true "government" that can possibly exist is the earth and its resources. From there, all possibilities can be assessed. This is why an intellectual unification of all countries is needed, for the most important information we as a species can have is a full, highly detailed assessment of what we have on this planet. Just as you would examine the land and resources of an acre of land to see what you could do or grow on it, this is what needs to happen with the planet in order to optimize what we are capable of as a species, resource wise.

Of course, many who consider the ideas presented above will often ask: "How can we do this considering the distorted value systems which are currently in operation.? How do we make such a move or transition?" This is, of course, the most difficult question. The answer: We have to start somewhere. There are many things that can be done by a single person or community that can begin to shape this vision. The most important step is education.

On March 15th 2009, ( or "ZDAY" as it was called in 2008 ) there will be a worldwide action day to expand awareness of this sociological direction. Our hope is to have regional meetings in as many cities, states & countries as possible. We here at thezeitgeistmovement.com will work to provide materials in every language we can, while doing whatever we can to help each subgroup. We will never ask for money. We are here to help, for we understand one central truth that has been lost for a long, long time:
The more you give- the more you get.

Thank you for your help.

The Zeitgeist Movement website
For more information... Move over to "Other" Links on my blog...
Catch the video. Mind you, it's a 123-minute video. ("Other" Links)

Spread this movie and tell them about the Zeitgeist Movement!!
Remember

"We must become the change we want to see in the world".
-Mohandas Gandhi.

The Grim Ripper

My younger sister's poor little innocent hamster just passed on. Well 'passed on' because I treat animals the same as human beings. They share the same organs and most importantly, they have a heart. A heart that beats every second, every millisecond. Only thing different is that it does not have the liberty to control its whereabouts. It all depends on who is its keeper. To be honest, the keeper of this particular hamster isn't too well a person. She does not really have a caring heart for anything. So I pity the hamster a lot more than what lost she had suffered.

I read an article on Death a few days ago published in the local paper, The Sunday Times. It was a rather interesting perspective of looking at Death. The positives were much clearly stated in the first and last paragraphs. Death as it is, isn't an easy person to face. It comes and rips souls. Yes a person of Death, of what some call The Grim Ripper. It sure is the most horrifying person anyone and everyone will meet when the time has come. But before anyone should meet this Grim Ripper, they should be thinking about what they did in their lives. Have they enjoyed it or have they made it such a bore doing the same o' routine?

You over there, should start thinking of what you would do in this life because Mr. Death doesn't send invitations nor does he send a signal whatsoever to whomever that he wants to visit next.

I have been thinking about life for a very long time. I want to travel the world. See everything there is to see and experience everything there is to experience and eat whatever that is edible. Even if it's not, well, I'll still definitely give it a try. Who knows if it could be the next on the list to be edible? But of course one thing I would never do is to bungy jump off a bridge. That's too extreme for me! No way!

So I want to meet as many people as I can. To me, money is nothing compared to experience. Not even Donald Trump has travelled the world or have seen everything. I believe that even if you are the richest man in the world at your time, nobody would remember you when you're 6 feet underground. People would only remember you if you have done a great deed to the world or to their lives. Something that would affect their lives. So what if you're rich when you're alive? Do you get to keep that when you're down in the grave? No!! That's a definite NO! Do you think people would worship you so much and send you a thousand flowers every time because you were rich? You won't even have true friends. Even if you think so, you don't know.

I'm not saying being rich is a bad thing. It's not at all. Every one wants to be rich, even me. I do need the cash to travel the world. Money makes the world crazy I tell you. It's a devil and also an angel. I wonder how many people died because of money. I am in touch with someone who is in prison for shooting someone due to the debt he owed him. Now he regrets.

Hopefully everyone would once wake up to this dying world and think that they wouldn't have much time to live. I don't believe in reincarnation. So I go with the phrase, "One Life, Live It!"

Worrying Child

I was heading back from my aerobics class at the gym one in Bugis. I took the train that travels towards Jurong East after the South East line. I sent a text message to my mom but she did not reply. So I figured that she must be still in her religious class. I waited but I have already reached Dhoby Ghaut. If she could fetch me, I would end my journey at Yio Chu Kang and if not, I would have to take the bus at Sengkang Interchange back home. Then again, she did not reply after sending yet another text. That got me a little worried. The time was 10.50am and she should have finished class already. Sending another 2 messages, yes you guessed it, still no sign of an active respondent.

That was when thoughts kept on running through my mind. Thoughts that went devilishly untrue.

I was already in the bus, halfway through the journey and still there wasn't any vibration of the cell. It got to me. Could she have had an accident while sending over a reply text back at me? Because se does that while driving. Could she be missing in action like those movies where women are kidnapped by criminals who wants ransom from their husbands? Could she be in shock about something I don't really know about? But if she is in an accident, I would have been phoned by the police or authorities. So I eased my thoughts...

Could it be that she forgot her phone and placed it upstairs in the house and she, in the kitchen, cooking now? Could it be that she left her phone at home and left for the market?

All the suspense just disappeared within a blink of an eye when I reached the back of the gate. I walked down the garden steps and saw a silhouette of someone I knew for 16 years and 9 months. Those devilish thoughts turned me into the devil himself. I refused to look at her or answer any of her questions. Does that not make anyone fume? Don't tell me until now, 5 hours later, she have not read her messages and come to me and say sorry. Then I should ask myself...

Did she receive those messages I sent??

Long Distant Relationships

Everyone would think that by looking at the title.. "Yea this is all about a boy girl relationship." Well my friend, think again. This could be a close friend or of someone closer, a family member perhaps. But of course, we would not leave out the boy-girl-relationship or the abbreviated 'BGR'.

My mom recently met up with her school friend. This friend was her classmate during secondary school, sharing the good old times, stories and what notorious things they did during lessons or with the teachers. I joined them for lunch and I had to pick up the details of how my life would be if I were to keep in touch with my secondary school friends. I was predicting that this would be exactly the enactment of the future after we have turned 48.

Then I thought to myself that, this might be a good thing once in a while. To do exactly what my mom did. We can't just totally move on away from the past. We must sometimes visit the past when we can and bring back old memories. It does some good to our health as well as of a health book I read a few days back. The way I see this, I look at it as a long distant relationship. It is in the mind that this relationship is distant enough to almost forget someone or a moment in your life that you will have missed.

I am in the midst of going through that process, that I would start forgetting my friends and the jolly good times we did in class together and all the nuisance we did like shooting a rubber band off my geography teacher's arse. That was unforgettable. Right now, I can just reminisce it but to have it replay live, I wouldn't get that kind of memory back. It has become a long distant relationship.

Besides that, talking literally about long distant relationships, it's the other half who lives miles away, let's say in a different country. This kind of relationship is the hardest to remain - to last even. You can keep in touch through email, snail mail, phone, video chat or simply just a small text through any means but that would never work. I guess that is why not many are married this way.

Come to think of it, relationships do get people tangled, committed and worry. I wonder how is it like for someone to have no relationships whatsoever and be free from everyone everywhere. He would only think of himself and not get so deep in anything of bonding. He would enjoy the purest of freedom!

Is It A Feeling of Death?

I was holding my stomach with both my palms pressing on it as hard like as though that would help ease the pain. But the truth is, it didn't. I crouched like a squirrel in hibernation on the bed close to the edge. Burying my face in the messy blankets, my face was scrunching up and my eyes squeezed hard till droplets came flowing down. The pain was a much more than normal diarrhea pains that I previously had. It was as though a devil was pulling my stomach. I moaned and shouted faintly hoping that would release pain a little. Then again, it kept coming back. I know I couldn't scream forever or put pressure on my stomach. At that moment, I did not care about anything. Even if the president of Japan was there or whether I was in a public sidewalk, I didn't care at all. All I ever cared about then, was me. Yes, at these kinds of situation, I get a lot selfish!

My sisters were lazing around the room but noticed me crouching on the bed. They thought it was just a small stomach ache and me exaggerating. They alerted mom through the room phone and she was at my side after 3 minutes or so. By then, the pain was slowly fading. Feeling a little relieved, I dropped curled on the bed but I know this pain was going to return. Mom, thinking that I didn't eat the right food, went to get bottled water for me to replenish the insides. I didn't know if that would work, but whatever she was doing, I didn't care. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Then, there was an urge my body was about to get. An urge to get something out of my body. I felt a lump in my throat. Something warm and liquid came up my throat. I was going to throw up. I could not walk because when my stomach stretch into a straight position, the pain would worsen. I had to crawl and I had to do it fast. On my fours, I moved to the sink, got myself up on my feet but slouching. I threw up. All that came out was the last meal I had - dinner the day before. On instinct, I searched for blood or blood-like coloured substance. There wasn't any. Thank God! After gargling from the taste of the vomit and wiping the droplets around my lips, I dropped to the floor of the sink. I went pale. My throat was sore from the acidic vomit.

I gathered the energy I had left to the bed. I crawled slowly. I had my thermal underwear on (both suit), jeans, a turtle neck winter jumper and woolly socks on and yet I still felt cold in the room. I didn't even think about the room's heater. I cuddled under the blankets, shivering as I close my eyes.

Mom came back from the room next door with bottled water and bread. I didn't feel like consuming anything or getting anything down my already sored throat. I forced myself although I know my body is trying to trick me into starving. I wouldn't let it, that's for sure. True enough, when I took a sip, the urge to vomit came instantly. The spirit in my body, trying to reject it is absolutely doing a great job. Thing is, I was too weak to fight it.

Everyone went for breakfast but mom stayed with me for a while. She gathered the soiled clothes and had them washed and dried. The urge came back again. This time, I couldn't hold it, I ran to the sink and threw up. The volume of vomit for the second throw up wasn't that much. Cleaned up and went straight to bed. I held the covers close to my body, getting under as many sheets as possible. Mom made me hot Milo (something like hot chocolate) but then again, I was reluctant to drink it. I tried nibbling on the bread, I could not. My body was being so stubborn!

Mom didn't store up medication for vomiting or nausea and there wasn't any drug store in the vicinity. I had to deal with the problems my body threw at me. I was in bed throughout breakfast and lunch. Got to know that I had a bad fever but had no means of measuring the intensity. My siblings came in with cup noodles bought off the hotel's vending machine. They were so kind as to leave some for me - of different flavours each - Tom Yam and Seafood. The pain has faded away but I was still too weak to move about and too dizzy. My head started spinning every time I make a move or try to get up.

I could eat then, lifting the food from the cup to my mouth using the wooden chopsticks. I drank the Milo that has become cold a little. Mom brought me hot tea as she just had the water boiled. I felt terrible. I could not join my siblings skiing outside and enjoying the sun, looking well and healthy. How I missed doing that when I was in bed. Just could not stand being sick and in bed, feeling helpless about the world. It was as though I was slowing down the world, trying to depress it even more.

After eating the noodles, I vomited once more. I could stretch my torso this time so I ran to the sink. It was as though I didn't eat anything. I threw up what I just ate and that was it. I was fed up with my body's reaction. I can't help it. If only there was a drug store somewhere near that I could rush to. Even the reception doesn't dispense drugs. I knocked out on the bed after the last time I vomited.

After the whole day of shut eye, I got better. Finally got up to join the others. The pain had disappeared though I was still a little numb in the head. I fought the weakness I had in me. I knew that I couldn't stay in bed the whole day until morning the next day. Went to the foot of the ski hill in my jacket and boots to get some fresh air. I met my siblings and my parents there and went for dinner straight.

My legs wouldn't let me walk any faster than the pace of an old man in his late 80s. Walking so frigidly due to the cold, I reached the table at the hotel's restaurant. I totally lost my appetite. I have no idea where it went to. I was able to eat only a small portion of porridge and a few cuts of Japanese sweet apple and also drank something nutritious and refreshing - orange juice. I felt so much at ease getting to be with everyone else in their activities.

I had a better night that night. As I lay down in bed, under the multiple covers that made me warm and cosy, I thought to myself, "What a Christmas..."