Is It A Feeling of Death?

I was holding my stomach with both my palms pressing on it as hard like as though that would help ease the pain. But the truth is, it didn't. I crouched like a squirrel in hibernation on the bed close to the edge. Burying my face in the messy blankets, my face was scrunching up and my eyes squeezed hard till droplets came flowing down. The pain was a much more than normal diarrhea pains that I previously had. It was as though a devil was pulling my stomach. I moaned and shouted faintly hoping that would release pain a little. Then again, it kept coming back. I know I couldn't scream forever or put pressure on my stomach. At that moment, I did not care about anything. Even if the president of Japan was there or whether I was in a public sidewalk, I didn't care at all. All I ever cared about then, was me. Yes, at these kinds of situation, I get a lot selfish!

My sisters were lazing around the room but noticed me crouching on the bed. They thought it was just a small stomach ache and me exaggerating. They alerted mom through the room phone and she was at my side after 3 minutes or so. By then, the pain was slowly fading. Feeling a little relieved, I dropped curled on the bed but I know this pain was going to return. Mom, thinking that I didn't eat the right food, went to get bottled water for me to replenish the insides. I didn't know if that would work, but whatever she was doing, I didn't care. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Then, there was an urge my body was about to get. An urge to get something out of my body. I felt a lump in my throat. Something warm and liquid came up my throat. I was going to throw up. I could not walk because when my stomach stretch into a straight position, the pain would worsen. I had to crawl and I had to do it fast. On my fours, I moved to the sink, got myself up on my feet but slouching. I threw up. All that came out was the last meal I had - dinner the day before. On instinct, I searched for blood or blood-like coloured substance. There wasn't any. Thank God! After gargling from the taste of the vomit and wiping the droplets around my lips, I dropped to the floor of the sink. I went pale. My throat was sore from the acidic vomit.

I gathered the energy I had left to the bed. I crawled slowly. I had my thermal underwear on (both suit), jeans, a turtle neck winter jumper and woolly socks on and yet I still felt cold in the room. I didn't even think about the room's heater. I cuddled under the blankets, shivering as I close my eyes.

Mom came back from the room next door with bottled water and bread. I didn't feel like consuming anything or getting anything down my already sored throat. I forced myself although I know my body is trying to trick me into starving. I wouldn't let it, that's for sure. True enough, when I took a sip, the urge to vomit came instantly. The spirit in my body, trying to reject it is absolutely doing a great job. Thing is, I was too weak to fight it.

Everyone went for breakfast but mom stayed with me for a while. She gathered the soiled clothes and had them washed and dried. The urge came back again. This time, I couldn't hold it, I ran to the sink and threw up. The volume of vomit for the second throw up wasn't that much. Cleaned up and went straight to bed. I held the covers close to my body, getting under as many sheets as possible. Mom made me hot Milo (something like hot chocolate) but then again, I was reluctant to drink it. I tried nibbling on the bread, I could not. My body was being so stubborn!

Mom didn't store up medication for vomiting or nausea and there wasn't any drug store in the vicinity. I had to deal with the problems my body threw at me. I was in bed throughout breakfast and lunch. Got to know that I had a bad fever but had no means of measuring the intensity. My siblings came in with cup noodles bought off the hotel's vending machine. They were so kind as to leave some for me - of different flavours each - Tom Yam and Seafood. The pain has faded away but I was still too weak to move about and too dizzy. My head started spinning every time I make a move or try to get up.

I could eat then, lifting the food from the cup to my mouth using the wooden chopsticks. I drank the Milo that has become cold a little. Mom brought me hot tea as she just had the water boiled. I felt terrible. I could not join my siblings skiing outside and enjoying the sun, looking well and healthy. How I missed doing that when I was in bed. Just could not stand being sick and in bed, feeling helpless about the world. It was as though I was slowing down the world, trying to depress it even more.

After eating the noodles, I vomited once more. I could stretch my torso this time so I ran to the sink. It was as though I didn't eat anything. I threw up what I just ate and that was it. I was fed up with my body's reaction. I can't help it. If only there was a drug store somewhere near that I could rush to. Even the reception doesn't dispense drugs. I knocked out on the bed after the last time I vomited.

After the whole day of shut eye, I got better. Finally got up to join the others. The pain had disappeared though I was still a little numb in the head. I fought the weakness I had in me. I knew that I couldn't stay in bed the whole day until morning the next day. Went to the foot of the ski hill in my jacket and boots to get some fresh air. I met my siblings and my parents there and went for dinner straight.

My legs wouldn't let me walk any faster than the pace of an old man in his late 80s. Walking so frigidly due to the cold, I reached the table at the hotel's restaurant. I totally lost my appetite. I have no idea where it went to. I was able to eat only a small portion of porridge and a few cuts of Japanese sweet apple and also drank something nutritious and refreshing - orange juice. I felt so much at ease getting to be with everyone else in their activities.

I had a better night that night. As I lay down in bed, under the multiple covers that made me warm and cosy, I thought to myself, "What a Christmas..."